im angry for so many reasons.
im angry i have to go through this again. first it was bowie. living through almost three full years of the disease in occult (maybe longer, i just caught him when we started screening), almost making his deal of making it through vet school with me, and then dying 2 days after surgery. then losing mya to heart disease a few months later. and now i have another dog with heart disease.
and im angry that other people never seem to get dogs, or dobes, with heart disease, and i have another one.
im angry that he's so young - for some reason it would be easier, or at least more appropriate, if he were 9, 10 or 11 and had DCM - it would be easier to accept his eventual demise (because lets face it, this will kill him) from this god awful disease then, rather than at the younger age it's going to take him.
im angry that i do the screening, i do the right things for this dog. he gets no vaccines. he gets exercise. he's thin. he eats raw. he gets the best there is of anything and everything. and yet my dog, even caught early, has the worst damned "occult" cardio you can have? his "occult" cardio is the type where you need to be worried about him dropping dead suddenly - doesn't feel so occult to me.
im angry i even need to worry about him dropping dead.
and yes, im angry that people actually say to me, do you worry about that? YES I WORRY ABOUT THAT!
im angry that other people have healthy dogs. and i dont.
im angry that other people have dogs with occult dcm that isn't as bad as rah's. isn't that terrible?
im angry that rah may never get to accomplish all the things that we wanted to accomplish with him - not because he doesn't have the potential and the desire, the will and the ability - but because we probably simply won't have the TIME. TIME is the limiting factor.
easter sunday was 4 years ago that i lost bowie.
Bowie's Modern Love, RN CGC
hey Kim.
ReplyDeleteI just read this post and was transported back to the time when I got Lexx's diagnosis.
I know how you feel. Exactly.
I know those horrible feelings of wondering why OTHER people don't have sick dogs.
The WHY ME WHY HIM WHY NOW moments.
The " I hate to be a horrible person but I kinda hate you right now because YOUR dog is healthy" moments.
I also understand the uncertainty. The fact that the fear NEVER goes away. Of course, DCM isn't the culprit over here, but I can tell you, every time I come through the door, there is a second where my heart stops until I see Lexx, alive, and happy to see me.
One thing that I learned is that "most people" don't understand. They never will. In all honesty, as angry and frustrated as it made me that they JUST DIDNT GET IT, deep down, I'm glad...
Because I'd never wish what I'm going through, or you, on anyone.
Hugs, and tonnes of support,
Leanne and Lexxington